It’s been a while since I’ve taken the time to share with those of you who frequent our blog. And to be quite honest, this post is much more for me than anything. Many of you know that writing has always been a form of therapy for me. I guess what I’m saying is that I simply wanted to give those of you closest to us an insight into my thoughts, but most of this is not written directly to you as an audience.
In terms of the world’s views, my mom has not been what most would call a saint. Like many of us, if we’re honest, she had demons that she battled. Sometimes she won the battle, and sometimes she lost. As we all do, Mom had to live with the earthly consequences of choices she made. And all who know my mom would agree that some choices she made certainly made life more difficult for her and, many times, for those who have loved her.
But, in thinking of Mom, there is so much that I have to be thankful for. For some reason, the thing that keeps popping into my mind, though, is that my mom is the one person that I’ve always been able to be completely honest with and not feel like I’m being judged. You know how sometimes you just need to talk but have a jittery feeling about opening up for fear of how the person you talk to might react? No matter how bad the circumstances, I’ve always known that I could tell Mom and she would simply empathize, console, and love on me.
Mom had a lot of good qualities. One the things that I’m most thankful for is the men that Mom brought into our lives. Anybody who knows me knows that I’m my father’s son. There’s nobody I respect more and with the exception of my wife, there’s nobody I’m closer to or love more. My mom knew the qualities my dad possesses. Randy and Matt both have had a significant and positive impact in the lives of Ryan and me. And Bill has been a gift to our family. Bill and my mom have been each other’s entire existence for over ten years. If not for Bill, I have no idea how Mom could have survived this long .
Mom was an incredible cook and passed her love of cooking onto me. Over the past several years, it’s been one of common bonds that we’ve shared. I could sense the excitement in her voice when I would go to her with a question about cooking. Her voice would raise and she would go through a complete and lengthy explanation. There was sense of pride and I think it simply made her feel needed. Cooking utensils and kitchen gadgets were always my “go-to” when I needed gift ideas for her. And my favorite meal will always be my mom’s lasagna.
Mom loved to give gifts. She’s never had much in the way of money, but Mom truly has always got so much more excitement from being able to give a gift than to receive one. Sometimes I’ve shaken my head thinking there’s no sense in her spending money on us at Christmas and birthdays and special occasions, taking us out to dinner, or the gift baskets and treats for Christie. But, in the midst of wondering why or how she does it, I’ve always had to remember the joy she gets from giving. In the last conversation we had, she asked me if I had gotten the stainless steel measuring cups I wanted and made me promise not to buy the scales we’ve been looking at because she wanted to get them for us.
Mom had a heart for those with special needs. I think some of her fondest memories came from her time as an adult student at Ball State. She went back to school to finish her degree in special education in 20’s. And while she never professionally taught, she had the opportunity to work with special needs students as part of her coursework and loved every minute of it. I can even remember her dragging us reluctantly to a concert put on by a bunch of her deaf students…certainly an interesting experience for us, but I will never forget the pride and excitement that she simply wanted to share with us.
More recently, that heart for special cases was in the realm of animals. While we jestingly referred to her as “the crazy cat lady,” Mom simply wanted to give a chance to cats that didn’t stand a chance elsewhere. Missy Lynn was born without eyes and has been with my mom for fifteen years. Hop-a-long Cassidy was in an accident and had to have a leg removed. Others, for whatever reason, didn’t stand a chance of being adopted. I have no idea how many cats have mom to thank for saving them from an unnecessary and untimely death. But, she knew that those cats needed and depended on her, and I know that those cats meant as much to mom as anything she had going for her in recent years.
There’s so much more than flashes through my mind as I sit here writing…my mom’s passion for keeping herself “dolled-up” and her house spotless…the “biscuit shuffle”…her love for feeding and watching the bird’s…her fun-loving sense of humor…and the photo albums and scrapbooks she’s done over the years are priceless.
Mom has also struggled for as long as I can remember with her health. At least for the past several years, it’s usually the number one topic of conversation. The truth is that I’ve become numb when it comes to talking about her health because there just seems to be no end to it. So when we got a phone call from Bill on Monday night that she’d been taken to the hospital by ambulance, I really didn’t think much about it. We were just sitting down to dinner. There was a sense of urgency that I’ve only heard from him a few times, so I told him we’d be up there in a bit.
When we got to the hospital, Bill had just talked to the ER doctor, but still hadn’t been back to see Mom. The story is that Bill had lunch at home with Mom that day, and she wasn’t feeling well. Her blood pressure was low and she was complaining of dizziness. But, according to him, there was nothing “alarming” about her condition. He called her from work at 4:20 and she asked him to stop and pick up some medication for her dizziness. When Bill got home at 4:45, he found her on laying face down on the ground. He couldn’t find a pulse, she didn’t seem to be breathing, and he called 911.
We’re still not sure how long she was without oxygen, but it was probably between 10 and 40 minutes. They were able to get her heart beating on its own in the ER, but her breathing was being done by a ventilator and they were giving her the maximum level of every medication that could help keep her blood pressure up. But, despite the efforts to keep her heart beating and lungs pumping, there was no indication of brain activity and Mom was bleeding internally. For quite some time, she’s had to receive blood every month or so to replace what she’s lost internally. My belief is that it just substantially worsened in the past few days. Throughout Monday night and the early morning hours of Tuesday, she continued to lose more blood than they could pump into her, her organs began to shut down, and there was no hope of any sort of recovery. The doctor’s met with us to reconfirm what they had already told and what we knew in our hearts. I cannot imagine, though, a tougher decision that would ever have to be made than to you’re your permission to withdraw the medications and assistance keeping a loved one alive. But, to keep her on them would have been nothing but selfish. And at 10 a.m. yesterday morning, Pastor Dutton prayed with us over mom as we let her go.
Mom has professed to be a believer in Christ for many years. While it’s not our place to judge, there have certainly been times that I’ve questioned the validity of her claims and tried to find the evidence in her life. Even yesterday when I asked for a few minutes to talk to Mom alone, I whispered in her ear that I hoped that she truly had accepted Christ and that I would see again someday in heaven. I walked out of the hospital yesterday after she passed wondering if I really would.
But, God is good. When we met at the funeral home this morning, Bill handed me a note that he last night while going through some of Mom’s things…
“I put my future in the Lord’s hand and asked that He would give me total peace about it. Pray the the Lord will me strength to endure without giving up, and the strength and understanding to resist negative emotions. And I’m praying I don’t (get) so wrapped up in my own life that I become insensitive and forget to pray for hope and healing for others who desperately need those prayers. Most of all the physical ability to return to church. I feel an overwhelming need to share in prayer and worship.”
That was jotted on the back of a scrap piece of paper, and I don’t know why she wrote it or what the intended purpose was. But God has used that scrap piece of paper to give me an overwhelming sense of peace that Mom truly had accepted Christ as her Savior and put her faith in His death, burial, and resurrection. Looking back on Mom’s life and trying to reconcile it with her faith is simply a reminder that we are all sinners in need of God’s grace and He stands willing to give to those who believe.
As trite as it sounds, life is brief and you simply never know when your time, or that of a loved one, is going to be up. I’m thankful that I called Mom on the way home from work one night last week…I’m thankful that we were able to talk about normal things…most of all I’m thankful that we ended our conversation by telling each other that we loved each other. And most of all, while Mom may not have been considered a saint by worldly standards, I’m thankful for a God who forgives and does consider her a saint.
This past weekend my wonderful hubbie took me for a day out. We got all prepared friday pm for our day out and got up early saturday am and headed to Lake Cataract in southern Indiana. The day was gorgeous and very relaxing (well except for all the paddling). I am realizing even more so that I am very out of shape. We got in the lake around 10:30am and paddled - fished - paddled some more. What we didn't know is that the lake was flooded by 30 foot, this made the fishing difficult. Troy caught a few but we ended up just throwing them back in. In the picture you can see the tree tops above the water line. It was so wierd to be paddling through tree tops. It was so nice to spend the day together, get away and get some serious sun. We both got quite burndt...it hurts to sleep and we are looking forward to it turning into a tan.
